Content

Content Warning: rape, attempted murder, suicide

If I remember right, it was spring of 2014. I was just barely 21 years old, and I was lying in a hospital bed wishing I was dead. And I would be if not for this band, the power of metal music and listeners just like you.

My jaw was dislocated. My nose was broken in two places. One of my eyes was swollen shut. My whole body was covered in a combination of bruises and knife cuts, and even a stab wound someplace I don't particularly want to mention.

See, I had this crazy ex-boyfriend.

And one night he decided to jump me when I was walking home, beat me half-to-death, rape me, and leave me for dead on a fucking sidewalk.

Thankfully a passerby found me and took me to a hospital. But even once I was cleared to go home, something even worse than the physical injuries was waiting for me...

I couldn’t feel. Everything felt fake, like a very convincing dream. Looking back, I'm not sure whether it was the physical pain, the violating memory of the rape, the feeling of helplessness and danger around every corner, or all of the above, but something broke in response to all that trauma.

I'd developed a mental illness called Depersonalzation Derealization Disorder – basically you feel so emotionally numb that you’re not even sure what’s real and what’s a dream. You sometimes sort of "forget" who you are and what you care about, and if it's really bad you can even feel like you're outside of your own body.

I was doing all the right things - going to therapy twice a week, diligently taking the meds my psychiatrist prescribed, spending every waking moment trying to keep my emotions regulated...I didn't want to let this beat me. But nothing was helping - it truly felt like a losing battle.

It left me in a really dark place. I drank heavily, I abused drugs, I cut myself for the endorphin high (cliche, I know, but it worked for a little while), and I fantasized almost hourly about swallowing my entire medicine cabinet. It felt like I had nothing to live for.

But then…something I never expected…

Kevin (the insane person who does all our guitars, drums, songwriting and audio engineering) and I had been best friends for years. And when I opened up to him about how utterly broken I was, he said the last thing I would have expected: “Try singing.”

Now bear in mind I’d never sung a note in my life before this. So understandably I was reluctant.

But he basically argued, “Look, you’re suicidal anyway, how much more could you possibly have to lose? It might help you the way guitar helps me.”

He pulled up Nemo by Nightwish - one of my favorite songs - and essentially told me to do my best to sing along. Very beginner-friendly, right?

But as the song went on, I started to feel something again, for the first time in months. And as that chorus kicked in – “All I wish is to dream again” – I still get goosebumps thinking about how it felt. Tears were streaming down my face, and I seriously lost all control over my voice. It was like my body knew what it needed to do on its own.

By the time I was done, Kevin had this shocked look on his face. And naturally I assumed it was shock at how horrible I must have sounded, and apologized profusely for subjecting him to that.

But no, as you’ve probably guessed, instead he asked me to officially sing for him in a band he was starting!

I never could have imagined how much that offer would change my life.

Fast forward seven years and we've released four albums from our humble little home studio, and been blessed with an incredible community of fans who absolutely love what we do. This might sound crazy, but I can honestly say that what I went through was 100% worth it. I wouldn't change a thing about where I am in life today, and that's thanks to you.

It's YOU, the listener, who breathes life and meaning into everything musicians like me create. It's the act of sharing that music that makes it all worthwhile.

Music truly does have the power to change lives. That’s the reason I felt compelled to share this story, because everyone has their pains and struggles. But with music, we can triumph over anything! No matter what you’re going through, music’s there for you. Including the music we create and share ❤️

I look forward to many more sometimes-hard, sometimes-ugly, always-worthwhile experiences along this musical journey, and here's hoping that you are a part of that journey.

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